What am I even doing on this blog site right now?

Well – Here Goes.

“If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.” – Milton Berle

Seriously though.. WHAT AM I DOING!? That’s a perfect question. Not just because it’s the one I’m currently asking myself (I don’t know the first thing about blogging), but because it leads me to the question. In my opinion, the most quintessential question … say that five times fast, I dare you… of our entire existence.

The question to end all questions is not, “What am I doing?”.

It is, however, “Why am I doing this?”.

Why am I doing this? … Why am I saying this? … Why am I eating this? … Why am I listening to this? … Why am I (insert verb here) this? …

The reason this is the question is because of the answer that follows it. Why we do what we do, every single time, breaks down to a single, multi-faceted answer: personal growth. Our bodies are growing and changing, constantly. It’s happening whether we want it to or not ; and, pretty much after the age of 25, it’s a solid or not.

I won’t even touch that topic though – that’s a psychological human crisis all of its own. ✌🏼

Nature for sure handles most the physical stasis of our bodies, she got this. However, it’s ultimately up to us to mold our psyches. Sure, environment and social influence play a few big roles in the plays of our lives (soap opera humor); but the reasons behind why we decide the things we do are because we think they are going to make our lives better. I.e. Personal growth. Now! Everyone’s idea of what personal growth is, is different. Remember – I said multi-faceted. Yours may evolve from wanting to mature a bit, desiring more respect, interest in exploring different perceptions, wanting to discover your purpose in life, simply wanting to feel cooler. So what I did right here, was I sat down and thought about ALL the ways that I want to psychologically grow, if you will; and I narrowed them down to one basic concept. One facet of the many that will undoubtedly result in the best version of me. The key to my psychological balance, why I do everything I do, is happiness.

A little about myself: I come from a lovely biologic line of women who deal with anxiety and depression. Note that I didn’t use the word suffer, because suffering to me implies that one has been defeated. Most of the toughest struggles I’ve endured thus far stemmed from gaping holes in my self-confidence, my self-awareness, my coping abilities, and from my complete fear of being disappointed. So far I’ve figured out at least a few things about me and people in general:

  • Without self-awareness, knowing who you are and want to be, you cannot have self-confidence. You just can’t. It’s all fake. It’s a sham. I hate to break it to you.
  • Without self-confidence, anxiety and panic attacks become a pretty routine get-together for you. If you don’t have the mental confidence to pull yourself out of an anxiety attack, you will probably keep having them. If you keep having anxiety attacks, you will keep losing the self-confidence that you do have, along with some other positive mental qualities, probably.
  • You will experience a spell of depression if these problems are not addressed. Say hello to not eating anything for days, and then randomly gorging yourself to the point of pukey face. Say goodbye to time spent with your friends – you’ll either make plans and cancel or you just won’t even answer them. Shitty, I know. And I hope you have the most comfortable mattress and better than Better Than Sex Waterproof Mascara (marketing heyyyyy) because you will be crying in your bed, when you’re not at work, for a long time. And you won’t change your sheets, so you’ll probably experience a break out. Welcome to the black hole that is depression – keep all hands and feet inside the ride at all times. Thank you!
  • You will try to create a reason that you get this low to make sense of what’s happening to you. Mine is fear of disappointment. I have an intense fear of being let down by myself, being let down by the people I love, or, in turn, disappointing them. When it happens – because things just don’t always work out the way they’re wanted to – I crawl into my shell and I blame and punish myself, I lose my self-awareness, I have an anxiety attack, I lose my self-confidence, and I get depressed. And out every depression I emerge slightly more co-dependent and slightly more afraid for the entire episode to happen again. (So a lot more susceptible to disappointment). Isn’t that great?! It all spins full-circle like a tiny emotional Earth 🌏 inside me!

Unhappiness will eat. you. up. Like a wild thing. So, I decided that the reasons that I do almost all of what I do, are because I’m trying to find my happiness. My self-awareness, my self-confidence, my personal growth. What am I doing on this blog sight? I’m sharing my journey to happiness, it says it right in the title. I’m sharing my interests, my likes, my dislikes, my adventures, my highs, my lows, my whims, my mistakes, my thoughts, and my life. Why am I doing this? Because I want to be happy with myself, and no one can make that a reality except for me.

Welcome to my journey of personal growth,

I hope from it you can learn what will help you to grow as well!

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